Better Off Alone
by LetItPour
Summary: "I have never felt loneliness quite like this."- Rating might change to M
1. Chapter 1

The room is crowded, narrow, small. It's hard to breathe. The air i inhale is filled with the scent of blood and decay. I hold back a gag and I gulp down my own spit. My hands hurt and Barry notices. "It's the snow" I murmur shrugging it off like it's no big deal. I look around, blood splattered on the floor. The husband tied up. A gash in his throat._Where's the wife? What has he done to her?_ Instantly I know what I'm dealing with here and my stomach forms into a million knots and I fight to keep my balance-refusing to show any sign of weakness. I stand by an open window and inhale fresh cold air before stepping further into the room. Filled with cops and lab techs. It's crowded, I can feel their eyes on me…and I'm slowly breaking into a sweat. It's winter now, the snow is falling slowly outside. But this room is an inferno. It's hot. It's my hell- except then there's Maura. And she is kneeling by the body, her face hard and serious in concentration _she knows too_. She looks up at me for a second. Only for a second but that's all it took. She looked at me and it became easier to breathe. I let out a breath I wasn't aware I was holding in. She smiles and goes back to work. _back to work_. I suck it back in, my breath along with this empty feeling in my chest -and I too go back to work.

It's late by the time the techs have the body in the van ready to take to the morgue. The snow is falling faster. The breeze swaying it back and forth. It falls upon _her_ hair and I let out a small gasp. I can't help but think she's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Covered in white. Growing up my mother talked about Angels. Taught me all about prayer - I never gave in to it, never truly believing in the magic of it all. But looking at her right now- with snowflakes in her hair, her pale complexion her lips almost blue from the cold. The only explanation for her beauty has to be _angelic,_soI'm slowly giving in_._

I'm unaware of her presence until it's too late.

"Cold?"

It's one word.

"Yes" I'm rubbing at my scars.

"Don't you carry gloves with you, detective?"

I shrug because it doesn't matter, because I prefer the cold. It's numbing.

"Forgot 'em" I murmur.

She shakes her head and I smile at her.

Next thing I know she holds my left hand in hers- slowly rubbing at it.

Before I can protest, she brings it up to her mouth.

And she.. _what is she doing? _She breathes on my hand.

And she does it again and again.

It's hot against my skin. Soothing, it feels _so good._

So I let her and I relax, looking up at the falling snow.

I feel her kiss my knuckles- her lips are cold - her mouth is hot.

I look out into the front yard, everyone has left now. It's just us.

Ever since _it _ happened. I find myself uncomfortable in a crowded place. They're gone and I'm better now. I feel it's easier to breathe when I'm alone. Easier to breathe when she's around. She's still holding my hand and I'm better now.

"What are you thinking?"

She's looking up at me, I feel it. I feel her eyes on me.

I shake my head _you don't want to know_.

"Tell me" she insists. It's demanding but it's so soft and polite. So sweet that I can't help but cave in.

"I have never felt loneliness quiet like this."

It's out. It's no longer inside of me. I feel her squeeze my hand and I look down at her, her eyes burning into mine. I can't figure out what I see in them. Except that there is a pretty shade of green to them, they are ominous and almost sad.

"Yeah.." She whispers "I know a thing or two about loneliness"

Her smile is sad and I know she doesn't mean it. But it's there and she's looking at me with those sad eyes, so I smile back at her.

Because maybe she understands…

Because maybe I could love her...

But the more I love the more alone I feel.

And I've gotten so good at being alone.


	2. Chapter 2

**Decided to continue this story.**

**For all waiting for an update on Blue Distraction. I'm sorry for the LONG wait. My muse is dead and gone and dark. & this is all I have been able to write. I haven't given up on it yet tho'. xo Enjoy. & let me know what you think and if you want me to continue?**

* * *

My clothes stick to me like a second skin. My hair hung to my face. My body is covered in sweat. Limbs trembling weak. Heart drumming in my chest. I'm gasping for air. Digging my finger nails into white sheets. _This is real. That was not_. It was a dream. Just another grueling nightmare.

I bolt up. My vision blurred.

The bright light makes me grimace. wincing with an upcoming migraine. I splash cold water on to my face.

Winter and aches come together. One never leaves the other behind.

I'm running a bath. Hot water. lavender scented bath salts and some bubbles. I skip the light and lose myself in the darkness.

It would be so easy to give in.

Drown in these waters and never rise again

Easier; Take a bullet to the brain. Never be the same.

No more winter

No more aches

No more nightmares

The water is steaming, mildly burning my skin. I purr welcoming the sting.

The nights are not silent. They haven't been for quiet a while. I'm having trouble distinguishing the noise in my head with the noise out on the streets. It's 3 am and my Boston has never been louder.

I have learned that it's true what they say:

The monster come out to play at night.

And so far I have lost every game.

I have no fight left in me.

It's just me

darkness

monsters

all alone.

The water is getting cool, being underwater muffles out all of the noise. It is the only form of peace I've found so far. But my lungs burn with need and start to beg for oxygen. I try to stay put not ready to give this up. My body cries out. I bolt up.

and I realize

There is no difference between darkness and the monsters

and me.

We are all the same.

Like winter and pain not leaving the other behind.

I follow the darkness and the monsters follow me.

-/-

The snow is giving me a break today

The sun is hiding behind small clouds begging to be let out.

She is kneeling down next to death starring at it right in the face. Never afraid.

She's fearless

and beautiful

everything that I'm not.

She looks up at me and I'm expecting to see what I always see in the faces of people who look at me.

Pity

Disgust

Dismay

But instead I see concern masked with a small smile.

"Jane"

My name from her lips is a sweet sound. I bask in it.

"Dr. Isles" it rolls off easily from my tongue like a breath of fresh air.

"It's the wife" She tells me what I already know.

I nod and force myself to look at the body of a person who's life was taken by the same monster who ruined mine. I know what you've seen. I know what you've been through. Death was your escape.

What was mine?

Broken hands and a tortured mind.

I'm jealous of the dead.

The minutes at the crime scene race by me. Yup It's the wife. Yup he's doing this behind bars. Slowly tormenting me.

Headquarters is buzzing with rumors by the time I get back

People avoid me.

No one likes to deal with the broken.

Frost keeps starring at me as if i'll shatter at any second.

Korsak keeps offering me jelly donuts

Enough already. I'm not some wounded puppy.

Speaking of dogs

My computer chimes - korsak sent me a video of playful husky puppies.

I look over at him and he's giggling, _giggling._

_-/-_

Blue and white. everything is sterile.

The smell of death is nauseating.

But the smell of Maura Isles is sugar and coffee.

Sweet, strong and intoxicating.

The safety goggles cover her eyes. They keep her guarded. I find myself wanting to be them. To protect her.

I'm not sure if she feels my presence

she doesn't look up

I watch her closely before making a sound.

I clear my throat.

And she looks at me.

"Oh, Jane" she smiles and it's infectious.

"Hey"

My skin heats up. I don't know if it's her or the body on the table.

or the monster on the loose.

I listen as she tells me her findings. The facts. The science.

I listen but the sound of her voice is water and I am drawn under it.

I'm underwater. undermaura.

Everything is muffled. Everything is peace.

"Jane?"

I gasp.

"Are you alright?"

"I'm fine"

"If you need anything, Jane. I'm here"

I want to take her up on that

I want to get lost in her and forget about everything.

How do I begin to ask that of her?

"You can watch if you'd like" She says simply and gets back to work.

And I do. I sit down and watch her as she does what she does so effortlessly.

She begins to hum a soft melody.

And throws a smile at me.

I catch it with all the enthusiasm I can muster

And begin to drown in her again.


End file.
